


8 Out of 10 Kneazels does Countdown

by Mersheeple



Series: Hearts&Cauldrons Prompts [12]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Minor Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley, What the Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:41:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mersheeple/pseuds/Mersheeple
Summary: Hermione is in Dictionary Corner. Severus is a contestant. Severus really enjoys finding just the right word to tell Hermione what he wants.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Severus Snape
Series: Hearts&Cauldrons Prompts [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805746
Comments: 21
Kudos: 70





	8 Out of 10 Kneazels does Countdown

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LunaP999](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaP999/gifts).



> Luna may have given me this prompt this morning. It has taken all day and 5 hours worth of writing so was NOT done in the 8 hours you suggested...for that I am sorry.
> 
> I am also sorry that this exists but OMG it was so fun to write I don't actually care! HAHA

“Good evening and welcome to Eight out of Ten Kneazles Do Countdown. I’m your host, Neville Longbottom. This week the British Museum have uncovered William Shakespeare’s chewed pencil. The problem is, it is so chewed that we don’t know if it is 2B or not 2B…” With a chorus of groans and laughter from the audience, Neville grinned and gave his trademark cheeky wink before seating himself.

“And let’s meet our teams. Team Captain Harry Potter, and who is your guest today?” The younger of the two captains ran his hand through his already messy hair and pushed his glasses further back on his nose.

“Good evening Neville. This is my guest, Severus Snape. Severus is a Master of Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts. This week I visited Severus at Hogwarts to remind him of this evening and was told in no uncertain terms that he had remembered and that he was quite capable of beating the other team on his own. Severus Snape everyone!” The room echoed with applause and Severus quirked his eyebrow in amusement.

“Severus, did you bring a mascot with you today?” Neville smiled at him politely and, with a very much put upon sigh, Severus answered.

“I have brought a mascot with me. It is this.” He held up a grey stuffed cat. “This is my my support cat. It speaks Scottish and smells of Ginger Newts.” Severus heard the soft snort of laughter from the young woman at Dictionary Corner.

“And our other team captain is Ronald Weasley. Who is your guest this week?” The stocky ginger boy grinned good naturedly and jerked a thumb in the direction of his teammate.

“This is my brother George. He is the owner of Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, the eminent joke shop with shops in Hogsmeade, Diagon Alley, Paris and now opening in New York…” Ron broke off as Harry snorted from the other side of the desk.

“There’s more ginger nuts on that team than in Minerva McGonagall’s biscuit tin…” Harry snorted and buried his head in his arms on his desk as he collapsed into a fit of laughter. Neville began to laugh, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably and the audience howled. Even the Dictionary Corner were both chuckling and Severus had smirked.

“George, did you…ahem…ok enough now…George, did you bring a Mascot today?” Neville calmed first and attempted to get on with the show. With a shake of his head, Harry pulled himself together and then George reached into his bag and Harry began to snort with laughter again.

“This is one of our products. It is called a ‘Hunk in a Trunk’…I just press this button here and…” George trailed off as he pressed a button on the square box that fitted in his hand and grinned as a miniature Severus Snape opened the lid and put his hands on his miniature waist. Severus’s jaw dropped as the miniature opened its’ mouth and began to speak.

“There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations…” The miniature turned, its’ tiny cloak billowing around him and Severus clenched his jaw, closing his eyes. His mouth ticked upwards and Neville seemed to read the situation correctly.

“Let me also introduce our Dictionary Corner. This week we are delighted to welcome back Hermione Granger and, the only Weasley child without the defective Y chromosome, Ginny Weasley-Lovegood! Welcome back ladies!” The ripple of applause through the audience was somewhat subdued but they were both used to that.

“And the final member of our team today, the lady of the letters, the nymph of the numbers, Luna Lovegood, everybody!” The polite clapping picked up slightly for the pretty blonde who waved happily and nodded at Neville with a smile.

“Let’s start the Countdown! George, if you would like to start us off?” Neville turned to the redhead in question and smiled. He grinned at Luna and began the first round of the game.

“I’ll have a consonant please Luna.”

“J…”

“And another consonant…”

“D”

“And a vowel…”

“O”

“And another vowel…”

“A”

“And a consonant…?”

“M”

“And another?”

“S”

“And a vowel?”

“O”

“And a consonant?”

“H”

“And a final consonant please Luna.”

“And that is N…” The letters were lined up on the board and Neville started the Countdown clock. Thirty seconds went far quicker than Severus had imagined it would and it felt like mere moments when the chimes played out.

“Well then, Ron, your team?”

“Uh…a tentative six…I think…” The miniature Snape began to complain about ‘dunderheads’ and various members of the audience cackled and laughed softly.

“And Harry…?” Neville spoke to the captain of the team but it was Severus who answered.

“A confident, slightly bigger, seven.”

“Seven? Well ok then…Ron your six please?” Neville smiled at the redheaded team and Ron frowned slightly.

“Uh…nomads.”

“Yes, nomads is fine…” Ginny smiled at her brothers and nodded as the points were added.

“And Severus, your seven?” Neville smiled at the dark man and a frown flittered across his face briefly as he saw Harry clamp his hands over his mouth.

“Manhood.” Severus’s drawl made the word sound positively decadent and sinful and Neville’s eyes widened.

“Yes, manhood is fine…uh…good…great…it’s in the dictionary even.” Hermione looked flushed as she refused to make eye contact with anyone as Ginny giggled softly at her friend’s discomfort.

“Ok, well, manhood for seven…well done. And Severus it is your turn on the letters please…” Neville squirmed slightly in his seat and Severus smirked before turning to the matter at hand.

“Thank you. Miss Lovegood, I’ll have a consonant to start us off please.”

“Y.”

“A vowel please.”

“I.”

“Vowel.”

“O.”

“Another vowel please.”

“Another O.”

“A consonant please.”

“P.”

“Another consonant.”

“T.”

“And a third consonant please.”

“C.”

“And a fourth consonant please Miss Lovegood.”

“N.”

“And a final vowel please.”

“And that is E…thank you Severus.”

“Thank you, Miss Lovegood.” The clock began to tick and Severus bent forwards, flicking letters around the parchment in front of him to fix the words into his head. The chime sounded and he frowned slightly, making the decision.

“Severus? How many?” Neville spoke calmly and Severus lifted his head.

“A strong seven.” He smirked as Ron cursed under his breath.

“And Ron?”

“A comfortable six.” George swatted at the miniature Severus as it began mocking them again.

“Ron your six please?”

“Potion.” The audience gave a smattering of applause and Luna spelled the word out on the board, smiling as she gave her best ‘game show’ pose.

“And Severus, your seven please?” Neville spoke over the applause and Severus lifted an eyebrow, the audience silencing almost immediately. He felt like chuckling as he noticed that the eyebrow still had the same effect.

“Potency.” His gaze flicked to Hermione Granger and he noticed she was blushing. She was so very cute sometimes. There was a round of applause but he could barely hear it as he smirked at Hermione and watched her blush darken. 

“And now we have the first numbers round. Ron, if you’d like to pick your numbers.” Neville smiled charmingly at Ron and Ron nodded, determinedly.

“One large and five small numbers please Luna.”

“Thank you Ron. So that is Nine, Six, Ten, One, Eight and Seventy Five.” Luna smiled as she pressed the little red button on the side of the board. “And your number is…323.” The clock started and Severus scratched away at his parchment. He heard Harry cursing and realised that the maths that they did at Hogwarts was definitely not enough.

“And that is time gentleman please.” Severus had again missed the noise for the end of the round but he at least had an answer.

“Let’s go to…Harry?”

“I don’t like this game. I am really not a fan. I’ve got nothing.” Harry dropped his head with a huff and Severus rolled his eyes.

“You may have nothing Mr Potter. I have 323.” Severus smirked and turned to the Weasleys, whom he had silently christened Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber. He wasn’t sure which one was which but neither seemed as smart as some of their siblings had been.

“Of course, you have it. Bloody greasy know it all slimeball.” Severus gave a slightly twisted smirk and said nothing, allowing him to play the fool.

“Am I to take it that you have nothing Ron?” Neville’s voice broke through and Ron scowled at him before nodding slightly.

“Ok Severus, how did you do it?” Luna spoke softly, somehow managing to project her voice nonetheless and Severus offered a half smile in her direction.

“75 plus 8 is 83. 10 minus 6 is 4. 83 multiplied by 4 is 332. Minus the 9 is 323.” The applause surprised him and he groaned softly as a smile almost passed his lips. He glanced again at Hermione and noticed she was smiling at him.

“Ok folks, we are going to take a break now. We will be back, after these messages.” Neville finished the outro and stood from the desk. He bent over to stretch, touching his toes and laughing softly as some of the audience wolf whistled at him. Severus stood from his seat and walked towards Dictionary Corner, leaning over to whisper into Hermione’s ear. The colour on Hermione’s cheeks heightened and Severus chuckled slightly, gaining a strange look from Ginny Weasley. He returned to his seat as a bell rang to let them know to return to their places.

“Welcome back. After two letters rounds and our first number round, Ron and George are on twelve points and Harry and Severus are ahead on twenty four. We start this half with a letters round from Harry please.”

“Thank you Neville. Luna could I have a Consonant please.”

“L.”

“And another?”

“L…again…” Luna giggled slightly as a second L joined the first on her board.

“And a vowel please…”

“O.”

“And another Consonant?”

“R.”

“And a vowel again please?”

“U.”

“And another consonant please.”

“C.”

“And a vowel?”

“A.”

“And another vowel?”

“I.”

“And a final consonant please Luna.”

“And that is T.”

“And your time starts…now.” The ticking of the clock was almost completely drowned out by the miniature Snape on the Weasley side of the desk quoting Severus’s First Year speech and Severus felt almost proud as it began to make little gestures and walk with it’s cloak billowing behind it. Sometimes, Severus missed the frock coat that he had abandoned after the end of the War. He now wore something a little tighter. His woman preferred him that way. He smirked again as he noticed the word that he could spell with the letters. The chimes rang out and he circled his word, pushing his paper towards Harry who barely glanced at it before snickering.

“Let’s start with you George, what have you got?”

“A solid five.”

“And you Severus?”

“I have an impressive eight.” Severus smirked at Hermione and she giggled, blushing again as only she could.

“An eight…ok let’s start with you George. What’s your five?”

“Clout.”

“And Severus, your eight?”

“Clitoral.” Severus leaned back in his chair and grinned at Hermione as she snorted, giggling as she nodded.

“Yes, it is here. Of or pertaining to the clitoris.”

“Most people can’t find it that easily.” Neville spoke the words and Hermione howled with laughter, snorting at the faux pas that Neville had made. He coughed and spluttered before going a shade of puce that clashed terribly with the gingers next to him. Eventually, the studio calmed and they were able to continue the game.

“Let’s have a numbers round from Harry shall we?”

“Two bouncing at the top, two in the middle and two small from anywhere you like please Luna!” Harry laughed like he had made a joke and Severus rolled his eyes impatiently.

“So that is Nine, Six, Two, Ten and One Hundred and Twenty Five. And your number for this round is…423.” Luna stepped away from the board and the clock began, the jingle beginning to grate on Severus, in spite of the fact that he felt he had barely heard it most of the time. He growled softly as the numbers began to swim in front of his eyes before he wrote down the sum just as the buzzer went.

“So how did we do? Ron, what did you get?”

“Well, actually, Neville, _I_ got 418 so 5 away.” George interrupted his brother, looking more smug than Severus had ever seen him look.

“And Severus? Need I ask?”

“Four hundred and twenty three.” Severus smirked as George huffed a breath, laughing.

“Ok George, what’s your 418?”

“Ok so…six plus ten is sixteen. Multiply that by the Twenty five is 400. Then Nine multiplied by two is eighteen and add them together.” There was a smattering of applause and George, ever the ham, stood and bowed to the audience, causing Hermione to giggle.

“Severus, how did you get 423?”

“I started the same. Six plus ten is sixteen. Then twenty five plus two is twenty seven. Multiply the two together for 432 and then minus 9 gives 423.” He pushed his parchment towards Ron who grunted and glared at the paper, nodding to Neville.

“Right, well, well done Severus. That puts the current scores at Severus and Harry with 42 and Ron and George with twenty five. Now we have our last letters round before the Countdown Conundrum. Ron, your letters please.”

“Ok Luna, give me some great letters ok? Let’s start with a vowel…”

“O.”

“Consonant.”

“R.”

“Another consonant.”

“T.”

“Another.”

“C.”

“A vowel.”

“A.”

“Another vowel.”

“I.”

“Consonant.”

“F.”

“Consonant.”

“N.”

“And a final vowel Luna.”

“And E.”

“Off we go!” The ticking started and Severus surreptitiously cast a charm to find the best word he could from the letters. It may be cheating but if it meant this game would be over, he would rush it. The bells rang out and he waited.

“Ron, what do you have?”

“I have an eight. Beat that you greasy sod.” Ron glared at Severus and Severus merely raised an eyebrow.

“I shall, Mr Weasley. I have a nine.” There was a roar of applause and Severus tried not to preen as Hermione smiled happily at him.

“Well, Ron, what’s your eight?”

“Fraction.” He said it so sulkily that Severus had to shift himself awkwardly in his seat to stop from being quite so smug.

“And Severus, your nine?”

“Fornicate.” With a little gasp and sigh, Hermione drew attention to herself, biting her lip as she looked at Severus, nodding silently.

“Well, that brings us to our Conundrum. The clue is ‘to end on a high note’.” The clock began ticking as the letters appeared. **RECSECOND.**

Severus smirked and lazily pressed his buzzer, knowing that no one else was going to.

“Crescendo.” The audience applauded and then faded away, as the fantasy began to dissipate. All it took was to win the game and he would be able to get the prize he truly wanted. His little woman. He turned to Dictionary Corner and smiled at her as she stepped out from the desk, clad in only a corset and tiny pair of lace panties.

“Severus, here, on the desk. You promised. And I don’t mind if it takes longer than the bloody clock!”


End file.
